How can I get rid of resentment and bitterness?

A guest blog by Jess Monk, Student Minister at Christ Church, Winchester, UK. I asked her to write this on a day when I was feeling bitter. She is definitely better at this stuff than I am.

Have you found the way a volunteer has acted grating? Has some feedback made you want to quit your job? Have you been told you’re doing the chairs wrong when you do them every week? Does the staff meeting feel like a painful place to sit? You’re not alone, and you’re not unusual. Ministry is a beautiful calling, but it’s hard. Really hard.  

Saviour of all or limited human?

I’ve worked in a church for just under three years and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t experienced resentment. Honestly, it became a weekly feeling. I would find myself getting annoyed at those who weren’t helping, annoyed with those who were being overly helpful and annoyed at the in-between.  

Apart from my own sinfulness, I couldn’t quite understand why I was experiencing so much resentment and bitterness. After all, I was working for a church – a privilege to serve Jesus firsthand, I loved my team, I loved the church body, I loved most of my job and it was never as serious as it first seemed in my head. Why would all these ugly feelings surface after 20 minutes of setting up for an event? 

Before working for church, the last time I felt completely resentful was with a girl I lived with as she casually sat on the sofa, whilst I tidied the entire house feeling completely exhausted. I was a true 'Martha', if you know what I mean. The problem with that scenario was: I felt like I needed to be a hero (saviour mentality), I ignored my human limitations, and I had a guilty pride in my house and being the one that had it all together: all very dangerous traits. 

I am not saying that churches are filled with self-centred, prideful hearts like mine. But we all "fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Sometimes that falling short looks like bitterness, envy, pride, resentment or apathy (this is very real for me!).  

An antidote to bitterness 

According to www.biblehub.com, resentment is: “a deep-seated feeling of anger or bitterness that arises from perceived wrongs or injustices.” So why do we resent our co-workers, the building we work in or dangerously sometimes even the festivals we celebrate (Christmas is crazy season right!)? 

I am no expert, but Jesus’ teaching perhaps gives us insight into where bitterness might stem from. Jesus says in Matthew 7.3-5:  

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Jesus must have known that it was a human instinct to focus on other people’s actions, ignoring our own human failings.  

This isn’t always for bad reasons. In ministry, we often have chosen to work for the Church because we’ve been called into it, meaning - we care - A LOT! Often, we are trudging through tiredness, or other people are tired which can be grating. Sometimes, we have forgotten the big picture of why we serve the Church in the first place. Working for a church can also cause compassion fatigue, where we find ourselves short of grace.  

I joked earlier about Martha. However, I think her attitude to serving might be more relatable than we first think. We read in Luke 10.38-42: 

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”  “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” 

Martha’s attempt to prepare, host and get everything ready wasn’t a wrong choice. In fact, she was the host and therefore she was right to prepare. Martha’s real problem however wasn’t Mary, it was herself. Remember that plank in our own eyes? Martha’s distraction and busyness led her to overwork herself, instead of focussing on Jesus.  

Jesus calls us to one thing that King David sums up beautifully in Psalm 27.4: 

“One thing have I desired of the LORD, that I will seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple.”

As disciples of Jesus, we are called to sit at the feet of Jesus to be loved, taught and sent out.  

In ministry, there will always be jobs to do, always things to do at a higher quality, always people to reach out to, always admin to be completed. Absolutely those things need doing, but, are we making time to sit at Jesus feet? Are we walking into the building with the significance of the cross in mind or the frustration that someone’s parked incorrectly in the car park?  

What would Jesus have to say?  

Jesus invites us into three things:  

Rest

  

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30) 

“There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience.” (Hebrews 4:9-11) 

Rest is not a suggestion but a command. When we rest, we are reminded of our humanity and God’s sovereignty.  

Surrender  

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7) 

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2) 

In our work, in our rest, in our pastoral conversations, in the admin, in the unpacking of boxes or stacking toddler chairs, our calling is to be living sacrifices: places where the holiness and glory of God is evident to those around us.  

Forgive  

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) 

 “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15) 

Out of the forgiveness we receive undeservingly, we are called to forgive continually in all that we do.  

How do we overcome resentment? 

• Spend time at the feet of Jesus 

  
  

• Do something fun and light-hearted  

  
  

• Surround yourself with people who love you 

  
  

• Take time to rest  

  
  

• Pray consistently, laying frustrations at the foot of the cross.  

  
  

Friend, being in ministry is a worthy, beautiful calling. Be kind to yourself. Sit at Jesus’ feet. And as living sacrifices, allow God to use you as a vessel for His glory.  

Jess Monk

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If you want to think more about this, read the chapter 'Raising the Bar: My Own Life' in my book, 'Raising the Bar: Nearly Everything You Need to Know about Christian Youth Ministry' which you can buy here. It's nearly 400 pages! In it, you'll find other ideas about growing to maturity as a leader. You can find out here what other youth leaders think about the book.